Its time I started writing again
to stop living so alone and bottled up
my last entries are out dated
but they are still history
...history builds up to the tripumph of where i am now
should not be forgotten but rejoyced.
although i do admit i read this all and feel confused
trying to compare my feelings from then to now
I have come far :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
too happy
I believe in a curse of being too happy.
Bipolar... well of course I get too happy over nothing from time to time.
Manic Bliss...
But I believe anyone in general can get too happy.
I believe being too happy can lead to great burdens.
Remember a time in your life, where everything was easy.
You didn't have a care in the world,
everything was going in a strike of your favour.
Bliss.
It ended somewhere didn't it? All this good luck,
easy spirited joy.
Its almost like, If you become too happy without a balance,
you let go, let go too much.
We all have a glutinous side i suppose and its like,
we forget our balance or forget to take piece by pieces and start taking bagfuls at a time.
Which leaves us in the end with nothing, or regret of not preserving,
& realising we took it all for granted.
My mother speaks of when we first moved into the first brand new house in our lives,
as a little family.
First time we ever had money, were able to wine and dine out.
Go shopping 'just cause'...
For the first time money wasn't a struggle, we had nice things.
Life was at ease, it was.. bliss.
Were not bankrupt and living in hell.
She just retold me this storey of this time in our lives in her understanding of my concept why its can actually suck to be 'too happy'.
She complains in regret of taking this bliss for granted,
when she indulged in this freedom of money.
Stopped cooking at home, eating together as a 'family'.
Weight gain came in,
course we could always buy new clothes, but she in her words 'let herself go'.
She was happy, doing all the things she wanted to do but hasn't been able for so long...
But she forgot her balance.
Now has all those things, but they're not as glittered as they once were.
She can have them any old time.
Wishes she couldn't, wants to loose weight but it seems impossible.
Lost all balance.
Got too happy,
indulged, let go...
I can't think of an example in my own life.
I'm never happy for too long.
But like any emotional state of mania i tend to let go and have its power take over me.
Bipolar is a chemical imbalance.
__---_-_--__--__--____----___---___--__-__------
The compulsive decisions I make in that state of mania, effect the next drop or rise of mood.
& are often regretted.
What took her many years of imbalance, I seem to preform compulsive decisions each mood swing leaving regrets and scars several times a day.
But lately... things have been weird.
I've been... too happy, too placid in bliss.
This scares me, well more mortifies me.
I'm letting myself go, accepting all goodness, breathing, lusting, enjoying....
I'm scared this will lead to indulging.
Or making terrible decisions I will forever regret.
Or is this life long illness called bipolar soothing a little after my hard painful years,
but all the hard work I've done to feel as good as I do.
& again alone,
no answers.
No one to speak to who will 'understand', just pretend or say they're totally the same man, cause its cool to be fucked up right?
I'm going to therapy again...
I've had about 4 in my life.
Tore them to shreds, or simply ran away with them as fast as my fat legs could take me. As if a gingerbread man was after me.
I'm 'happy' and willing to try again.
Everything is too good. I'm in love again, and accepting that nothing is perfect. Its all bliss.
That's scary...
May the lord be with me, or someone cross they're fingers . Some sweet kind of good luck wish for the mental patient.
I still can't believe I made it too 18.
Even mum says she thought i was going to be dead before i reached 16.
Bipolar... well of course I get too happy over nothing from time to time.
Manic Bliss...
But I believe anyone in general can get too happy.
I believe being too happy can lead to great burdens.
Remember a time in your life, where everything was easy.
You didn't have a care in the world,
everything was going in a strike of your favour.
Bliss.
It ended somewhere didn't it? All this good luck,
easy spirited joy.
Its almost like, If you become too happy without a balance,
you let go, let go too much.
We all have a glutinous side i suppose and its like,
we forget our balance or forget to take piece by pieces and start taking bagfuls at a time.
Which leaves us in the end with nothing, or regret of not preserving,
& realising we took it all for granted.
My mother speaks of when we first moved into the first brand new house in our lives,
as a little family.
First time we ever had money, were able to wine and dine out.
Go shopping 'just cause'...
For the first time money wasn't a struggle, we had nice things.
Life was at ease, it was.. bliss.
Were not bankrupt and living in hell.
She just retold me this storey of this time in our lives in her understanding of my concept why its can actually suck to be 'too happy'.
She complains in regret of taking this bliss for granted,
when she indulged in this freedom of money.
Stopped cooking at home, eating together as a 'family'.
Weight gain came in,
course we could always buy new clothes, but she in her words 'let herself go'.
She was happy, doing all the things she wanted to do but hasn't been able for so long...
But she forgot her balance.
Now has all those things, but they're not as glittered as they once were.
She can have them any old time.
Wishes she couldn't, wants to loose weight but it seems impossible.
Lost all balance.
Got too happy,
indulged, let go...
I can't think of an example in my own life.
I'm never happy for too long.
But like any emotional state of mania i tend to let go and have its power take over me.
Bipolar is a chemical imbalance.
__---_-_--__--__--____----___---___--__-__------
The compulsive decisions I make in that state of mania, effect the next drop or rise of mood.
& are often regretted.
What took her many years of imbalance, I seem to preform compulsive decisions each mood swing leaving regrets and scars several times a day.
But lately... things have been weird.
I've been... too happy, too placid in bliss.
This scares me, well more mortifies me.
I'm letting myself go, accepting all goodness, breathing, lusting, enjoying....
I'm scared this will lead to indulging.
Or making terrible decisions I will forever regret.
Or is this life long illness called bipolar soothing a little after my hard painful years,
but all the hard work I've done to feel as good as I do.
& again alone,
no answers.
No one to speak to who will 'understand', just pretend or say they're totally the same man, cause its cool to be fucked up right?
I'm going to therapy again...
I've had about 4 in my life.
Tore them to shreds, or simply ran away with them as fast as my fat legs could take me. As if a gingerbread man was after me.
I'm 'happy' and willing to try again.
Everything is too good. I'm in love again, and accepting that nothing is perfect. Its all bliss.
That's scary...
May the lord be with me, or someone cross they're fingers . Some sweet kind of good luck wish for the mental patient.
I still can't believe I made it too 18.
Even mum says she thought i was going to be dead before i reached 16.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
my friend ana
so, i suffer from anorexia.
I've suffered so long that it doesn't even seem a disease anymore.
Its like a demon inside me.
I see her as this witch like bitch called Ana.
Its incredible, I have this relationship with her.
Its like I took anorexia to a whole knew level.
I made friends with my enemy.
I somehow now eat quite normally. Health freak.
But how anyone can remain my weight and eat is beyond my doctors.
Well they simply believe I don't as most people in my life are under the assumption.
Remain the same weight, my weight has become my age to be honest, it never changes. You know it will one day, but not for ages.
38kg, 5'4.
How is it possible? see I just don't know.
I made a pact with Ana almost, I told her I want to get better I want to have a life, but I always want to be a little bit sick... I don't want to ever not be able to get out of bed again. But I want to remain a twiggy girl... I never wan to be what I was either.
Instead of fighting you Ana, I want to be your friend...
I'm clearly insane. But I feel, I feel she is more that a diesease, or a disorder.
Shes a spirit inside me.
I mean I can tell you what I eat on a daily basis like today for example:
Muesli, fruit and yogurt for breakfast
A banana + a small bag of scroggin with cranberries.
Sushi and miso for lunch.
Dried Fruit bar.
Cous Cous for dinner
Pot of yogurt....
& yet I'm still 5'4, 38 kg. This is but an average day....
Vegetarian sure, but that doesn't mean crap.
I start to wonder is something internally wrong with me?
I remember when I used to never eat a thing for a week or more. Then have a rice cracker and vomit it up and go another week, exercise everyday.
I mean I didn't eat like this to get here. I started at 62 kg before i started fasting.
I suppose she made me do a lot of hard work.
I'm crazy, I think i have a spiritual pact with my disorder.
I love her, I cherish her. I love my body for the first time in my life.
I eat healthier than I ever have.
I admittedly don't want to gain weight.. I have a skinny fetish, obviously.
But I would for health reasons maybe, sometimes i try.
I know more fat would make my nervous system function better.
As someone with bipolar I really need any support I can get.
I wish I had answers...
But at the same time II'm content.
Its amazing when every time I think I'm recovered from anorexia...
I see a skinny girl. Maybe a girl I'm even smaller than and feel fat.
My friend said to me today 'oh you would have brought that military outfit off me?! damn, but come to think about it, it wouldn't have fitted you anyway'
I immediately thought she meant I'd be too big...
opposite... but I guess I am still a little bit sick.
Sometimes I think once your bewitched by Ana,
you are for all eternity.
I don't know...
I'm lost again.
& know no one who's in the same room I am mentally, to answer me, console me, or even tell me I need to be put in a white jacket.
Anything. Something.
I've suffered so long that it doesn't even seem a disease anymore.
Its like a demon inside me.
I see her as this witch like bitch called Ana.
Its incredible, I have this relationship with her.
Its like I took anorexia to a whole knew level.
I made friends with my enemy.
I somehow now eat quite normally. Health freak.
But how anyone can remain my weight and eat is beyond my doctors.
Well they simply believe I don't as most people in my life are under the assumption.
Remain the same weight, my weight has become my age to be honest, it never changes. You know it will one day, but not for ages.
38kg, 5'4.
How is it possible? see I just don't know.
I made a pact with Ana almost, I told her I want to get better I want to have a life, but I always want to be a little bit sick... I don't want to ever not be able to get out of bed again. But I want to remain a twiggy girl... I never wan to be what I was either.
Instead of fighting you Ana, I want to be your friend...
I'm clearly insane. But I feel, I feel she is more that a diesease, or a disorder.
Shes a spirit inside me.
I mean I can tell you what I eat on a daily basis like today for example:
Muesli, fruit and yogurt for breakfast
A banana + a small bag of scroggin with cranberries.
Sushi and miso for lunch.
Dried Fruit bar.
Cous Cous for dinner
Pot of yogurt....
& yet I'm still 5'4, 38 kg. This is but an average day....
Vegetarian sure, but that doesn't mean crap.
I start to wonder is something internally wrong with me?
I remember when I used to never eat a thing for a week or more. Then have a rice cracker and vomit it up and go another week, exercise everyday.
I mean I didn't eat like this to get here. I started at 62 kg before i started fasting.
I suppose she made me do a lot of hard work.
I'm crazy, I think i have a spiritual pact with my disorder.
I love her, I cherish her. I love my body for the first time in my life.
I eat healthier than I ever have.
I admittedly don't want to gain weight.. I have a skinny fetish, obviously.
But I would for health reasons maybe, sometimes i try.
I know more fat would make my nervous system function better.
As someone with bipolar I really need any support I can get.
I wish I had answers...
But at the same time II'm content.
Its amazing when every time I think I'm recovered from anorexia...
I see a skinny girl. Maybe a girl I'm even smaller than and feel fat.
My friend said to me today 'oh you would have brought that military outfit off me?! damn, but come to think about it, it wouldn't have fitted you anyway'
I immediately thought she meant I'd be too big...
opposite... but I guess I am still a little bit sick.
Sometimes I think once your bewitched by Ana,
you are for all eternity.
I don't know...
I'm lost again.
& know no one who's in the same room I am mentally, to answer me, console me, or even tell me I need to be put in a white jacket.
Anything. Something.
Friday, February 6, 2009
fuck you very much.
I wish i could get away from you.
your so ugly, so stupid, so boring.
those are simple words but your a simpleton,
you deserve no delux description.
emotion in its freashed form I hate you.
I hate you so much, i relish in the thought of killing you.
You make me sick,
oh so sick.
you bring out my mania in its most vibrant of forms.
you give me dinnertime phobia
i'm wasting away,
out doing my time with everyone,
running up a cereal box about to get to the end and
run over the expiry date.
I'm too young, to smart, too pretty to be held down,
by someone so ugly, so stupid, so boring.
Where is your respect for me when you hold me down,
and get that look in your eye? the look of a hunter.
do you listen to me then? whisper sweet nothing in my ears?
you just push.
i hate you i hate you so much.
but its my fault too i love to play roles,
its like i ask for the torment
crossing and uncrossing those slender thighs
you keep me shedding.
A playful giggle over things that aren't funny,
kisses blown out of fingers with glitter polished nails,
lover lolita,
I ask for it this I must,
so why do i hate you so fucking much.
you remind me of a boy,
who once took away my pride.
he hurt me very deeply,
internally possibly for all time.
but when i ran away i missed him very much,
all the loving i recieved suffocated me
i never felt so corrupt
and now hes back and killing me again
I don't understand any different
maybe you should run away from me
I think I really am insane.
and no one understands me,
not even you, you sick bastard
im forever crying my eye lids raw alone.
all in vein.
your so ugly, so stupid, so boring.
those are simple words but your a simpleton,
you deserve no delux description.
emotion in its freashed form I hate you.
I hate you so much, i relish in the thought of killing you.
You make me sick,
oh so sick.
you bring out my mania in its most vibrant of forms.
you give me dinnertime phobia
i'm wasting away,
out doing my time with everyone,
running up a cereal box about to get to the end and
run over the expiry date.
I'm too young, to smart, too pretty to be held down,
by someone so ugly, so stupid, so boring.
Where is your respect for me when you hold me down,
and get that look in your eye? the look of a hunter.
do you listen to me then? whisper sweet nothing in my ears?
you just push.
i hate you i hate you so much.
but its my fault too i love to play roles,
its like i ask for the torment
crossing and uncrossing those slender thighs
you keep me shedding.
A playful giggle over things that aren't funny,
kisses blown out of fingers with glitter polished nails,
lover lolita,
I ask for it this I must,
so why do i hate you so fucking much.
you remind me of a boy,
who once took away my pride.
he hurt me very deeply,
internally possibly for all time.
but when i ran away i missed him very much,
all the loving i recieved suffocated me
i never felt so corrupt
and now hes back and killing me again
I don't understand any different
maybe you should run away from me
I think I really am insane.
and no one understands me,
not even you, you sick bastard
im forever crying my eye lids raw alone.
all in vein.
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