my friend ana

so, i suffer from anorexia.
I've suffered so long that it doesn't even seem a disease anymore.
Its like a demon inside me.
I see her as this witch like bitch called Ana.
Its incredible, I have this relationship with her.
Its like I took anorexia to a whole knew level.
I made friends with my enemy.


I somehow now eat quite normally. Health freak.
But how anyone can remain my weight and eat is beyond my doctors.
Well they simply believe I don't as most people in my life are under the assumption.
Remain the same weight, my weight has become my age to be honest, it never changes. You know it will one day, but not for ages.
38kg, 5'4.
How is it possible? see I just don't know.
I made a pact with Ana almost, I told her I want to get better I want to have a life, but I always want to be a little bit sick... I don't want to ever not be able to get out of bed again. But I want to remain a twiggy girl... I never wan to be what I was either.
Instead of fighting you Ana, I want to be your friend...

I'm clearly insane. But I feel, I feel she is more that a diesease, or a disorder.
Shes a spirit inside me.

I mean I can tell you what I eat on a daily basis like today for example:
Muesli, fruit and yogurt for breakfast

A banana + a small bag of scroggin with cranberries.

Sushi and miso for lunch.

Dried Fruit bar.

Cous Cous for dinner

Pot of yogurt....


& yet I'm still 5'4, 38 kg. This is but an average day....
Vegetarian sure, but that doesn't mean crap.
I start to wonder is something internally wrong with me?

I remember when I used to never eat a thing for a week or more. Then have a rice cracker and vomit it up and go another week, exercise everyday.
I mean I didn't eat like this to get here. I started at 62 kg before i started fasting.
I suppose she made me do a lot of hard work.

I'm crazy, I think i have a spiritual pact with my disorder.
I love her, I cherish her. I love my body for the first time in my life.
I eat healthier than I ever have.
I admittedly don't want to gain weight.. I have a skinny fetish, obviously.
But I would for health reasons maybe, sometimes i try.
I know more fat would make my nervous system function better.
As someone with bipolar I really need any support I can get.

I wish I had answers...
But at the same time II'm content.

Its amazing when every time I think I'm recovered from anorexia...
I see a skinny girl. Maybe a girl I'm even smaller than and feel fat.

My friend said to me today 'oh you would have brought that military outfit off me?! damn, but come to think about it, it wouldn't have fitted you anyway'
I immediately thought she meant I'd be too big...
opposite... but I guess I am still a little bit sick.

Sometimes I think once your bewitched by Ana,
you are for all eternity.

I don't know...
I'm lost again.
& know no one who's in the same room I am mentally, to answer me, console me, or even tell me I need to be put in a white jacket.
Anything. Something.