too happy

I believe in a curse of being too happy.
Bipolar... well of course I get too happy over nothing from time to time.
Manic Bliss...
But I believe anyone in general can get too happy.
I believe being too happy can lead to great burdens.

Remember a time in your life, where everything was easy.
You didn't have a care in the world,
everything was going in a strike of your favour.

Bliss.

It ended somewhere didn't it? All this good luck,
easy spirited joy.


Its almost like, If you become too happy without a balance,
you let go, let go too much.
We all have a glutinous side i suppose and its like,
we forget our balance or forget to take piece by pieces and start taking bagfuls at a time.
Which leaves us in the end with nothing, or regret of not preserving,
& realising we took it all for granted.

My mother speaks of when we first moved into the first brand new house in our lives,
as a little family.
First time we ever had money, were able to wine and dine out.
Go shopping 'just cause'...
For the first time money wasn't a struggle, we had nice things.
Life was at ease, it was.. bliss.

Were not bankrupt and living in hell.

She just retold me this storey of this time in our lives in her understanding of my concept why its can actually suck to be 'too happy'.

She complains in regret of taking this bliss for granted,
when she indulged in this freedom of money.
Stopped cooking at home, eating together as a 'family'.
Weight gain came in,
course we could always buy new clothes, but she in her words 'let herself go'.
She was happy, doing all the things she wanted to do but hasn't been able for so long...
But she forgot her balance.
Now has all those things, but they're not as glittered as they once were.
She can have them any old time.
Wishes she couldn't, wants to loose weight but it seems impossible.
Lost all balance.
Got too happy,
indulged, let go...

I can't think of an example in my own life.
I'm never happy for too long.
But like any emotional state of mania i tend to let go and have its power take over me.
Bipolar is a chemical imbalance.
__---_-_--__--__--____----___---___--__-__------
The compulsive decisions I make in that state of mania, effect the next drop or rise of mood.
& are often regretted.
What took her many years of imbalance, I seem to preform compulsive decisions each mood swing leaving regrets and scars several times a day.

But lately... things have been weird.
I've been... too happy, too placid in bliss.
This scares me, well more mortifies me.
I'm letting myself go, accepting all goodness, breathing, lusting, enjoying....
I'm scared this will lead to indulging.
Or making terrible decisions I will forever regret.
Or is this life long illness called bipolar soothing a little after my hard painful years,
but all the hard work I've done to feel as good as I do.

& again alone,
no answers.
No one to speak to who will 'understand', just pretend or say they're totally the same man, cause its cool to be fucked up right?

I'm going to therapy again...
I've had about 4 in my life.
Tore them to shreds, or simply ran away with them as fast as my fat legs could take me. As if a gingerbread man was after me.
I'm 'happy' and willing to try again.

Everything is too good. I'm in love again, and accepting that nothing is perfect. Its all bliss.
That's scary...
May the lord be with me, or someone cross they're fingers . Some sweet kind of good luck wish for the mental patient.
I still can't believe I made it too 18.
Even mum says she thought i was going to be dead before i reached 16.